More than Enough

Evolution comes from Latin ēvolūtiō (stem ēvolūtiōn- ) “unrolling a papyrus scroll, reading through (an author's words or a book),” a derivative of the verb ēvolvere “to roll out or away, unroll (a papyrus scroll), uncover, unwrap, unfold by using the intellect.” 

I found this definition back when I was creating content for the show. During the past few weeks a lot has roll out, away and been uncovered for me. I realize that I had not been standing in my power. I was afraid of criticism and judgement for not finishing what I started or letting other people down. I was afraid of feeling like a failure and making a mistake. I was living in a high state of anxiety and fear, of not being enough.

I sometimes struggle with using my voice publicly. I have been called unauthentic in who I am and who I present myself to be. I have learned recently that standing in my power is not always a consistent thing and that's ok.  Sometimes I can waver in knowing my value and being confident in my own capabilities. That doesn't make me any less authentic. Some have said that I care too much about titles and accolades. I understand how the world works. Titles and accolades can determine how much one can provide for their family, it doesn’t matter what field I work in. I care about providing for my family. I care about having the ability to help someone in need. I care about creating a legacy of empowerment through art. The only thing I cared too much about was what other people thought and said about me. I now care more about what I think and say about me. I know that some will continue to have things to say and that is their right to have an opinion. It is also my right to love who I am, and to choose what and who I give my energy to. I am a multifaceted person. I like that about myself. It means that at any time I can surprise you with something about me that you didn't know existed. I am not interested in making anyone feel comfortable in ways that make me uncomfortable. I am not interested in proving or explaining myself to anyone but me. I am no longer interested in always pressuring myself to balance this perfectly. I am no longer interested in giving my power away by standing in any power that is not my own. I take responsibility for that, and I don't apologize. It's called being human.

There are many forms of power to provide necessities like food, funding, homes, transportation, safe environments, doctor's, education, relationships, and more. These things often come through systems and relationships. They can also choose not to provide those things or provide only enough to maintain a co-dependent relationship. Systems are put in place to produce results. I have been analyzing the systems and relationships I participate in to really look at the results they produce. I needed to be honest with myself about what I see. If some people are able to benefit to a point where they no longer need a system to provide while others do not, it is not an equitable system in my opinion. I don’t just look at what is promotes publicly. I want to know what does the data say, what do the budgets say, what do my eyes see in my community and the communities around me? If some relationships result in a feeling of acceptance, love, and support and others do not these are not equitable relationships no matter who the people are in my life. What are the patterns of how I feel in the relationships? This includes the relationship with myself. What is my role in this? The proof is always in the result of what has been produced.

I asked myself if I believe that I needed to be connected to these systems or relationships to get what I need to live the life I deserve. I asked if I felt that some are more worthy of getting what they wanted in life. I asked if I felt ashamed for not having what others in the same systems or relationships had. Did I get what I think I am worthy of having from the systems or relationships? Was I punished if I disagreed with or went against them? Did I work so hard in the system or relationship that I didn't have the time or energy to pay attention to the results that were being produced in my life, in my home, or community? Did the system or relationship require me to conform in ways I did not feel comfortable?

Most importantly did I say with all my heart FUCK all those systems and relationships that don't align with me? Did I take responsibility and leave? If not, why not? Are there other beliefs I need to look at and change? There are always times when you can clearly see what does not work anymore and other times you may not. For me the most important lesson is to take action when I do recognize it. Prolonging only keeps me from moving to the place I want to go.

There is another form of power that I believe is stronger than the ones mentioned before. It’s my own personal power, it comes from my belief in and connection to a higher power. Some people call it God, the Universe, Ancestors, or spirit guides. To me it's all the same power. I know that when I am not in connection to it, I feel the need to depend on powers outside of it. That need is an illusion. That's why anger or fear comes when outside powers fall short. They always will. Connection to myself and my true source comes from being still, being quiet, and devoting time and energy toward seeking it out. It can come from taking a walk, reading a book, creating art, or listening to someone else's positive story. It's not limited to one way. It always produces the same result for me, personal power and belief in having the vision in my heart. It is a practice, and when I don't do it, I waiver in faith. The best thing about this power is it's always accessible. I can always come back to it and plug in again. I just have to make the effort to plug in. If not, I run the risk of depending on another source of power that will fail, and that is ok too. Those experiences teach me what I need to know to prepare for the next part of my journey. I learn how to have compassion for myself when I mess up, and hopefully I will be more compassionate to others when they mess up too. No one is perfect, and no one needs to be.

The Evolution project was about giving voice to teens through art but first I had to find my own voice and be confident in it. My personal evolution in this experience has been that no system, person, place, or thing determines my worth, what I can have, what I can be, or do. I have the right to walk away from anything that is not right for me. It is always my responsibility to continue to believe in myself, my worthiness of being, having, or doing whatever I put my mind and effort to. I can still work toward the things that matter to me in ways that better align with my values. I can take a break when I need to. Everything that happens is supposed to happen whether I perceive it as good or bad. It can make me stronger, better, more compassionate, and I have the power to allow it. I determine that I am worthy of everything in my heart and that I am more than enough because my source is more than enough.

I painted the “More Than Enough” painting in May 2019, not fully knowing or believing that I was enough, but I wanted to be, and I always knew I could be. Remembering my source is how I continue to be more than enough. As my journey contiunes, I continue to evolve along with my art. These moments are just a part of a much bigger picture. See you in the future!

I love you and I love me.